Mother's Love

Shut the door. Look at the clock, midnight. Twelve hour shifts are murder, but it’s money. Through to the kitchen, empty tin foil trays on the counter; Gary must’ve phoned in a Chinese. Can’t blame him, I know we can’t afford it the now but after Thursday night I know none of us can be bothered with anything. Phoning in for that shift was so tempting but I knew I’d regret it on pay day. Water over a teabag and collapse at the kitchen table, face in my hands. Pregnant. How could she be so stupid? Did we teach her nothing? Where did I go wrong, god, I’m her mother. I’m supposed to protect her. Gary’s heartbroken. Our baby. She’s got standard grades in two months. How’s she going to cope? She’s so smart as well. She wants to keep it. How’s she going to keep it? She’s only fifteen, she can’t even get a job yet. She doesn’t want to stay in school. She knows me and her dad would do anything for her, I’d give up work and raise the wean myself if I thought we could cope on just Gary’s wages. A job’s so hard to come by the now, I couldn’t give it up. I love my family, but I love my job, and I need them both to survive. Fifteen and pregnant. And to that wee prick. Gary wants to report him to the police, he’s seventeen so it’s child abuse. But Emma says she’ll leave with him, if we report him, and then we won’t ever see her or the baby. She says she loves him, stupid wee lassie. He doesn’t want her, or the baby. Just Gary put the fear of God in him. That won’t last long, he’ll be gone long before the wean’s born. And she’ll be left with a wee baby that she can’t support. Can’t imagine her getting rid, but I wish she would. Well, naw I don’t, but I do. She couldn’t cope if she got rid of it but it’s no fair on her. She’ll no cope if she tries to keep it. I had to raise David by myself, and Gary was around when Emma was just toddling. Kids today. Kids having kids. I couldn’t have done any of it, the kids, the fights, the money if I didn’t have Gary. He’s been a Godsend. Didn’t have to stay, no many men would take on a woman with two weans to a junkie bastard who was out the door when the money dried up. Twelve years married this October. No been easy. They sisters of his sticking their neb in every two seconds. But he’s been more of a father to them kids than anyone would have expected. His heart’s roasted with this. He was the one greetin’ when we found out. Me screaming and shouting, but he was the one that cried. Worse than anything else, him crying like that. ‘Cause she’s still just the baby, we can’t see her as anything else. Still see the wee lassie running about the garden in her wee nurse’s outfit, dragging her Mr. Blobby doll about. She’s still just a wee girl. Christ, she’ll be a mother in seven months. I’ll be a granny. David’s just turned eighteen, he’ll be an uncle. Mental.

Emma’s sonogram. She’s been crying. She says lassies at school have been talking about her. She starting to show a bit. I’ve told her to stop wearing they daft wee skirts, they make it look worse. She won’t listen. She says he thinks she still looks good. How would he know, he hasn’t seen her in a month. They’ve been fighting. Hear her crying at night. He’ll only talk to her on that msn now, Gary tried to forbid them seeing each other for about a week, but she ended up sneaking out so much there was no point. She’s allowed to see him now and he doesn’t want to. Can’t win. She’s so sad these days. None of her pals talk to her anymore. There’s so much stuff she can’t do, and she needs to be so careful. Ah they’re wee lassies, and wee lassies can be so vicious. They can’t be bothered with having to take care. They’re fifteen, all they want to do is drink poof juice and winch boys. Can only hope that they stop at winching, and they learn something from what’s happened to Emma. A whole life changed in one fell swoop. A strong heart beat, the doc tells us. Do we want to know the sex? Emma does. It’s a wee girl. There’s a break from worrying for both of us. A daughter, a grand daughter. She holds my hand.

Emma’s birthday party. Waste of time, waste of money. We told her not to as well, she’s hardly spoke to any of her mates for the past few months. He’s back on the scene, playing the loving daddy. Flush all of a sudden, we all know why. Drug raids all over Bellsmyre last week, and he just disappeared. Emma won’t hear it. He’s told her he’s got a job but he can’t tell her what it is ‘cause it’s on a temporary basis and he doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Bullshit, and she’s just lapping it up. Last thing I wanted for her was to end up in the same boat as I was. History repeating itself. He’s hung about longer than we all thought, but if he’s here for the long haul she’ll have a hard few years ahead. Hope she’s prepared for the police at her door looking for him at all hours of the morning, waking up the wean and pulling the house apart looking for his stash. God love her, but they’ll no be showing up here. She’s my daughter but I’m no having anything to with him, or the crowd he’s in with. Bad news. But don’t want to lose Emma so. Feel heart sorry for Emma. Crying in the corner ‘cause no one showed up but me, Gary, David, him, and her granny. DJ and everything, big fuck off buffet, all going in the bin. She won’t let anyone near, just wants him. Never felt so useless. Sent a letter to the council saying she was getting kicked out, signed off as homeless. Getting a wee two bedroom terrace in Park Mains. That was her present for her sixteenth. What’s going on? Emma’s screaming?! He’s shouting, what’s wrong, what’s up, chill out, what’s wrong? I could throttle him. There’s a damp spot in her dress. I told her no to wear that dress. Skimpy wee thing, looks awful on. Her waters have broke.

Can’t stop greetin’ . I’d do it for her if I could. I’d’ve done all of this for her if I could’ve saved her it. Doc says there’s some complications. Cord’s wrapped around the baby’s neck. Emma’s been taken away, they’re doing a C-section. He’s scarpered, told us he’d follow us up to the hospital in his motor. That’ll be it then, he won’t show up until she’s getting her benefits.

Her name is Layla Skye. Trust Emma to pick a name like that. She’s perfect. She looks just like Emma, but with David’s eyes. None of him, thank God.

She was kept in an incubator overnight. She had trouble breathing. Emma sobbed all night, she told me it was her fault because she’d been smoking when she was pregnant. Wasn’t even annoyed, I’d have a cheek anyway. I told her it wasn’t her fault, that Layla would be fine and these things just happen sometimes. He didn’t show up until the morning. He was out his face, the nurses made him leave. Emma didn’t know he was there, we didn’t tell her. We knew she’d make us let him stay and Gary wasn’t having that. Emma fell asleep on my lap for the first time in about ten years. First time I felt like her mother since she got pregnant. She’s asleep now. Layla’s in her wee crib at the bottom of the bed. Gary’s had to go to work. Poor man’s been up for nearly thirty hours, then straight onto night shift. Emma’s saying she hasn’t heard from him at all. She says Layla’s getting our last name, and that it’s all over between them, but she’s said that I don’t know how many times. I’d love to believe her. She’s too young for all this. Seeing Layla was a wake up call for her. She says she loves that scumbag, but I don’t think she’s ever loved anything or anyone as much as wee Layla. Mother’s love. Nothing like it. Just hope it’s enough.